I was talking recently with a good friend when the conversation turned (as it often does when I’m involved) to weddings. My friend said something that struck me as terribly wise. She told me that when she and her ex-husband were getting married, the first thing they did was entirely remove the word ‘perfect’ from their vocabularies. No, the marriage didn’t work out in the long run, but the wedding was apparently a blast that she remembers fondly and in great detail.
While Mr. Twistie and I didn’t excise the word from our lives, it struck me that we’d also hit on the excellent plan of not expecting perfection in an imperfect world. The result? I remember my wedding day with joy and clarity.
By contrast, the most stressed-out brides I’ve seen have been the ones who fussed and fretted over every detail in a futile quest for ‘perfection.’
Again, I saw an excellent illustration of the value of letting go of perfect on an episode of Whose Wedding Is It, Anyway? when the contrasted couples couldn’t have made the point more obviously had they been a deliberate public service announcement.
Couple A were faily typical. They’d known one another for several years, dated for quite a while, and were now getting married. The groom was mostly absent from the proceedings, and the bride was absolutely manic about having a ‘perfect’ day. She was obsessed with purple. Everything had to be purple, and it had to be the right purple.
When she was shown an idea for the reception centerpieces, she flipped out that there was greenery in them and a few of the roses were pinker than she wanted them to be. It all had to be purple, and contrast was not allowed. Taken to a mixologist to get a signature cocktail for the day, she made him do it over and over and over again until her martini was just the right purple. Flavor? Well, she did say she wanted it to taste good, but she cared a lot more about what it looked like.
Couple B was very different. They’d known one another for a few months. A year before the wedding, the groom was in two near-fatal car accidents. Somehow he walked away from both of them. The bride had been diagnosed with cancer a few years before and nearly died. She’d been through the chemotherapy, the hair loss, the drugs and the despair. In the end, though, she’d recovered and gone into full remission. When these two met, they understood how fragile life is and didn’t want to waste any time.
These two wanted a nice day. They cared about what it looked like and whether their guests’ needs were taken care of. But that was all they expected: a nice day, a good party, and an expression of their committment. They had ideas, but were open to other suggestions. They were happy to consider options and to delegate.
The two wedding days couldn’t have been more different. When Couple A got to their big day, the groom was a passive participant. He showed up wearing what he’d been told to wear, and said the words he was told to say. He seemed happy, but really, we never got to know that much about him. The bride, on the other hand, was a complete wreck. She kept bursting into nervous tears, and then worrying about what it would do to her make up. She was so worried that something wouldn’t be precisely perfect that she couldn’t enjoy her own wedding.
As for Couple B, well, they were both very much in the moment. Whatever their planner did seemed to make them delighted, but they were more focused on being with friends, family, and each other. They were relaxed, gracious, and having a hell of a good time.
The main difference, though, was that while one bride focused on getting niggly details ‘perfect’ the other focused on throwing a good party without striving for perfection.
There are dozens of sources of stress in planning a wedding. Warring familial expectations, trying to make a tight budget stretch a little further so you can include something important to you, those impossible-to-plan-for moments when the MOH comes down with a horrible stomach flu, or foul weather keeps one of your vendors away, or (as happened to my brother and sister-in-law) your officient dies and nobody tells you until a week before the wedding…all of these are real problems that add real stress to an already life-changing event. Why add more stress? Why add it over trying to achieve the impossible?
So forget perfect. Shoot for elegant or fun or meaningful. Not only are all three of those things possible, they’re the sort of words people are going to use anyway.
Besides, you’re the only one who will ever notice whether or not the martinis perfectly match the bridesmaid’s dresses.
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