Lara’s post yesterday got me thinking…

We’ve all seen some pretty awkward profiles out there. The postermay bea nice enough person, possibly they are just a bit clueless. You only get to make that first impression once. If your profile is off-putting, you are selling yourself short and probably missing out on some good opportunities.

Some of the steps (well all of the steps that don’t involve checking boxes) can be a painful process. Getting it right is important, becausedon’t youstand a better chance of meetingMr. or Ms. Right when you have a well-crafted profile?

Are you interested in learning how to build a really interesting and compelling profile? If so, please read on…..

Username

The first step is to chose a unique username. Chose something that highlights your personal interests, but doesn’t sound ridiculous or desperate. For example, I would avoid using the word, “babe” in any way. No hikerbabe, bikerbabe, rollerbabe.Something like live2hike or bike2work, showcases your outdoor side and doesn’t sound overly cheesy.

The Headline

The next important step is a headline.It needs to be intriguing enough to grab someone’s attention and leave them wanting more. Again, avoid the ridiculous and/or desperate. If you are a man, please do not usethe word, “teddy bear.” If you are out of ideas, then do whatDatingmuse.comsuggests:

If you get stuck, a favorite line from a song, book or movie can say lot about you who you like and/or what you believe in - and stands out to other people who love it too.

Photos

Always post a photo. Profiles with photos get viewed more often. When I was using an online service, I didn’t even bother looking at profiles without photos. Chose a current photo that looks like you the way you look now. Sure, you might have looked better 5 or 10 years ago, but that’s not going to be the face you wear when you meet your date.

The Survey

Be honest when you are doing a personality survey. Be yourself. If you meet someone by pretending to be someone else then you are either stuck being that person or chances are things aren’t going to work out.There’s something out there for everyone.You are looking for the person you fit best with, not the one you want to talk into liking you under false pretenses.

The Introduction

After preparingyour introduction, reread it a few times. Get a trusted friend’s input. Use proper English, capitol letters when called for,and good punctuation. You want to stand out for your charm, not your inability to write a coherent sentence. This goes for emails, as well.

Do you have any talents or unique interests? Sharing talents or special abilities in your intro will give interested parties conversation starters when they contact you. For example, if you like to run with your black lab in the park, include that in your intro. You will attract both fellow runners and dog fans.

Be humorous, but remember that certain types of humor are better conveyed in person.

This is not the time to harp on your last failed relationship. If you mention your ex too much - or at all - you run the risk of appearing to be either not over them or bitter. Lines that start out, “Why do you men all….” are going to be interrupted negatively. Wait until you meet a guy or girl before you lump them into a category.Better yet, avoid the lumping.

This is your chance for a fresh start.Good luck!

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Image by d70focus via FlickrOkay, so here’s a nice, neat little list of things that annoy me about some of the dating profiles I see on sites like PlentyOfFish and Match and Yahoo! Personals.

1. No photos. Bad photos. Photos only of a car with some figure standing by it that I can’t see. Photos of a man parasailing, with his body a shadow against the summer sun. Worse? A photo of you with another woman, and I don’t care if it’s your sister or cousin. I don’t care if you’ve cut her out of the pic, either. The bottom line guys is that we want to see what you look like, naturally. Don’t try to hide your double chin, don’t shade out your face because your teeth are a little crooked. Don’t show me your dog or your car and NOT show me YOU. Everyone’s got different things they’re attracted to (or not) and all you’re telling me by not having a good, clear, smiling photo of you is that YOU don’t think you’re worth it. If you’re not worth it, how the hell am I going to be?
2. Old profiles. I love it when we’re in the thick of summer and I read, “With the holidays right around the corner…” about as much as I love going to the dentist. It tells me that you’ve had this thing up for quite some time, and haven’t made any effort to keep it up to date. My brain immediately goes to one of two options: a) You’re so busy “dating” so many women that you don’t care to impress me. or b) You’re so busy with your outside life that you don’t even respond to people or care about finding a girlfriend. Tie this in with the above issue (photos that show they were taken or uploaded years ago) and I’m REALLY not going to be interested.
3. Saying the same old, cliche things like “I enjoy long walks on the beach.” We don’t even HAVE real beaches around here, and that line makes you sound like a 70’s television sitcom to me. I want to know the nitty gritty about you, and I want to know what you REALLY like. Don’t think you can appease me by assuming what I like. Besides, what if I’m allergic to sea water? (I have a friend who is allergic to ANYTHING ocean.) I’m supposed to sit there and think, “Gee, this guy clearly loves the beach, and I can’t go. Maybe I should give it a shot anyway?” Nah. Don’t think so.
4. Using “Rather not say,” or “I’ll tell you later.” You know what? If you can’t be transparent about your marital situation, your child situation, whether or not you smoke, drink, or do drugs? I have no choice but to believe that you’ve got some bad crap to hide, and I want NOTHING to do with that. You can’t be honest on an online dating profile, what makes me think you’ll be honest in a relationship?
5. Back to the photos - Shirtless ones. Yuck. Not for nothing, I love a good, muscular body like the next girl, but guys, you look absolutely arrogant and ridiculous when you post every shirtless photo you own of yourself. You know how guys sometimes say that they like when a woman dresses sexy, not slutty? Well unless the kind of girl you’re seeking is the kind who only wants to put out for a night or two, then you need to leave a little to OUR imaginations. Yes, you work out hard. Yes, you’ve got a nice set of abs/pecs/guns/whatever… but I’m looking for something that goes much deeper than that. If you’re not, say so, so that I can be on my way.

So yeah, these are just a few things that annoy me, as a woman looking for a real relationship, about men’s profiles. I’m sure that some of these things don’t bother the hoochies that are looking to dig into a man’s wallet, or his pants, but yeah, these bother me.

Men, what bothers YOU about women’s profiles?

Ladies, can you add anything?

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I know anice man named Brett.Brett and Iwork together at an elementary school, were we spend three recesses a day watching kids.We both really enjoy the job, Brett even more than I do. He calls it, “Taking a break.”Brettlives his lifewith a bunch of women; his wife, his twin 13-year-olds, and while his Grandmother does not live in the same house shedoes liveright next door.

Today Brett told me that they were all coming down on him. The girls were cranky all weekend, his Grandma was in tears just before work, and he and his wife had a “major blow-up” first thing in the morning.Brett likes to live a simple life. He takes care of his Grandma and his family, he works a few part-time jobs a day, and he’s been riding his bike all over town in an attempt to save on fuel costs.His wife, he can’t talk her into biking and it’s been a sore spot for them lately.She likes to do things like go out to lunch with her girlfriends. She also likes margaritas, but their blender is broken - I’m serious, this is something he has mentioned a few times, she really, really misses those margaritas.I say break down and buy a new blender - margaritas for some peace, man.

Brett is feeling a bit put upon.He said this to me today, “I have no faults. No bad habits.I don’t drink or smoke or gamble………”He also said this to me, “I told my wife, ‘we’ve been married for 15 years and we have the same fight over and over. We say the same words. We make the same points. The same fight. Over and over. I’m tired of this, I want to…..’” Here’s where I think he’s going to say something along the lines of “a break,” “a divorce,” something that signals that he’s had it, because he is very upset, but he doesn’t say that.Instead, he says he wants an end to the fight, he wants to solve the problem.This man, he would never think that of a break or leaving his marriage. He is married for life.He really doesn’t have any faults.

When I have a problem, I want out of the problem and too often that the way out of the problem is just plain out of the situation. I give up too easily. I think that in my relationship, some things need to change, but I think I need to stop looking for that handy door to freedom every time I get pissed.Even if this relationship does not work out, learning to dig in and see something through would benefit me in other areas. I need to lose a few faults, maybe be more like Brett, but with a working blender, becauseI really, really love my margaritas.

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Image by creativeFlutter
AKA MazerDesign via FlickrI’m not a huge fan of the site AskMen.com - all too often it comes off as ignorant arrogance to me. But I do like to read the stuff once in a while just to see what kind of crap they’re pushing out there… in this case, it’s telling men how to notice 10 signs that a woman is flirting.

I’ve been told on many ocassions that I’m a “natural flirt”. Unfortunately (sometimes) this attracts natural flirts of the opposite sex who have no intentions, they just flirt without realizing it. Or they misunderstand me, and think I’m interested (regardless whether they are or not, or I am or not) and react accordingly based on their interest (or lack thereof).

Personally, I don’t think that conscious flirting is really necessary. I think if as a woman, you’re attracted to a man, and you’re confident in who you are, then the whole thing comes so naturally that you don’t have to think about it. You can let a man know you’re interested without concentrating on it or trying too hard (which can often come off really, really badly).

AskMen focuses on silly things like “She draws attention to her mouth,” and that just tells me that they’re playing into the fantasies men have. You’re either an orally fixated person or you’re not. Personally, I’d change this one around to say, “She focuses on your mouth when you’re talking.” I say this because despite how much I consciously try to focus on a man’s eyes when I’m attracted to him and he’s talking to me, my gaze always fixates on his lips. Shoot, I just gave it away, didn’t I? ;)

In any event, like I said, I don’t really believe in trying to concentrate so hard on flirting. Likely because it’s just something that naturally happens with me, but moreso because I think that trying too hard to do anything is just bad.

1. Be comfortable in your own skin (and, in your fabulous outfit).
2. Be confident in WHO you are.
3. Smile.

As far as I’m concerned, that’s ALL you need to know. :)

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I’m not new to dating.I’m 42 years old.I’ve been married and divorced. I had a couple of live-in relationships - one when I was 19 and then one when I was a young mother of 27. I took a long break from dating for a few years, when I felt that I was not making good decisions in regards to the men (like still sleeping with my ex-husband) that I chose and the behavior that I would tolerate (again, still sleeping with my ex-husband).

At the end of this long break, I began to meet men for coffee dates, and then I’d think, okay, I’m done - don’t need another “date” for a few months. I was out of practice and honestly not very interested in experiencing the stress that meeting these new people caused.I went out with one guy a couple of times, or really just once, but he insisted on being “my boyfriend,” even though I said, I do not want a “boyfriend.” It took me 2 weeks of a 3 week “relationship” to finally deliver that message.

Then, pretty much by chance, I began talking to my ex-boyfriend from high school who lives in the next state.We started out as friends for a few months talking daily, then things progressed after he came for a visit in the Summer.We’ve been involved in a committed relationship for more than a year. In that time things have been either very, very natural and easy or very, very complicated and needlessly hard.

I love him, but he does not making loving him very easy at times.Sometimes he ignores me. For days or even weeks at a time.I know that is not a good sign. When I talk to my girlfriends, I can hear in their voicesand see on their faces that they are concerned for me, unsure why I continue.When he is here, he is wonderful. He gives all of us so much love, affection, attention, he cooks and…..it’s all so very, very good. Then, he goes home and he goes back to work and he gets depressed. He works in a business that is affected, like so many are, by the current badeconomy.He works many hours for too little money and he isn’t able to reach the goals that he has set for himself.

I try to keep this in mind and to remember how he’s explainedthat it’s not about me, has nothing to do with me, but he does notlive in a vacuum and Idon’t ask for a lot.What I’d like is a phone call or two a week. A text message or two a week.A short email would be good.What do I get?Well, he did email me one time a couple of weeks ago.He called me about 8days ago (after I had not spoken with him in more than a week), but he had to go right away and said he would call me back. He didn’t.Hehas not acknowledged any attempt I’ve made to contact him for more than a week.He is a salesman, hisphone is on him at all times.

When you are involved in a long distance relationship, there’s acertain amount of maintenance that is required or it doesn’t feel like much of a relationship at all. I have tried to explain this to him. It wasn’t hard for him to do before.If his intentions have not changed, then why is it hard now? His plan is for us to be together all the time someday. When? In a year? In five years? In ten years?In the meantime I’m supposed to live like this, feeling that I’m invisible and unimportant and not worthy of a two minute phone call?That sucks and I refuse to do it for too much longer.

I thought that if I went into a relationship with the best of intentions and let my man be himself that it would work out okay. I thought that if I had realistic expectations and thought of us in terms of a team, instead of just me, me, me, I thought it would be okay.I have done my best to be patient, to be open-minded, to be caring and respectful of his life and lifestyle.

I’ve been living without a partner for 15 years and I’m ready for a change. I feel that somehow I have moved so far down his list that I don’t matter anymore.I’m tired of pep-talking myself, saying, oh he’s so busy, he’s so busy………Who isn’t busy? Who isn’t worried about theeconomy?Do these things really givehim the excuse to be rude and careless with my feelings?Is a phone call a week asking too much? I’ve been very clear about what I need from him.He knows it hurts me when he ignores me, because I’ve said, “Hey, it hurts when you do this.”

A future with him could be wonderful if he’d let it be, but some people, they won’t let themselves be truly happy.I’m afraid that he’s one of those people - I’m afraid he’s too much with the self-sabotage.I don’t doubt his love when he’s here, but he’s here so infrequently.It’s just very hard to figure things out sometimes and I thought I’d write it all out here, see if I could get things straight in my head.It’s still not straight, but I appreciate you taking the time to read my ramblings.

Have you been involved in a long distance relationship? If so, is this the kind of thing that everyone in this sort of relationship goes through?

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